Are You Raising an Asshole?

If you haven’t gotten there yet, you will: that moment when you realize that you may have given birth to Rosemary’s baby. The first time your precious offspring starts acting like Kanye West, humiliating you in public, interrupting others and  wearing Gucci, you know you have trouble brewing. Now some of you might say it is offensive to call a young child an A-hole, but I think we all know that there is really no other term to describe their behavior. If they were adults, you would most certainly call them something you can’t say in front of your grandmother.

Here are a few clues that you might be raising an asshole. If your child has ever:

• thrown a sizeable hard toy at your head
• screamed “I hate you” at you in a public place
• asked you “mommy, do you still have a baby in your tummy?”
• squeezed an entire tube of toothpaste out on your counter
•  painted your walls with her poop
• shown up with a twin—while technically I know the child didn’t choose this, we all know it’s rude to bring a guest if the invitation didn’t specifically say plus one
• woken up two hours early when you decide to have a few extra drinks the night before
•  used your bedspread as a blank canvas for finger painting
•  stiff bodied herself so you can’t get her in her car seat in front of a crowd of parents at school (tip: tickle her stomach so she’s forced to sandwich)
•  grabbed items off the grocery store shelves as you cart by so that they break on the floor
•  ran from you in public forcing you to look like you are abducting her

If you have experienced one or more of these things, or something worse, you are, in fact, raising an asshole. You are not alone. We have all either dealt with or are still dealing with the bi-polar antics of a youngster. The best we can all do is hope that the problem can correct itself once they become teenagers and we have the opportunity to be even bigger assholes back to them. Stay strong! Also, I can’t leave you without mentioning that we are not raising the very first generation of assholes and we should all take the time to call the people who dealt with our former A-hole selves and thank them for not kicking us at out of the house at 4 years old.

DISCLAIMER: For those “mature” parents, I am sure there is much worse coming down the pipe as our kids get older. Not there yet. Stay tuned. 

Written by: Alice

Always let your little a-hole know you have the upper hand...

Only Fools Rush In

After you give birth but before you leave the hospital with your sweet, squishy little cherub, they will make you watch a video about how shaking your baby is bad and you shouldn’t do it. Duh, you will think, what do I look like, one of those women on the Maury Povich show trying to figure out which of four possible meth dealers is her baby’s daddy? And then three weeks later as you stand alone in your kitchen after midnight, bouncing to the sound of the vent-hood fan while your tiny Beelzebub hisses and thrashes in your arms, you will think, Oh, I get it now.

In theory, newborn babies are pretty special—you have this sparkling, untarnished soul infused into a bag of cells that somehow over the course of 40-ish weeks divided and morphed into a perfect miniature person. You stare deep into the dark pools of their eyes and see physics and philosophy, evolution and creation, the yin and the yang of the universe, all swaddled in your arms and looking like a burrito with a hat. In reality, a human infant is a vacuum of continuous need that, if not addressed with punctuality and precision, will result in an eruption of screaming rage that will make you wish you were drowning in molten lava because then at least you would be allowed to close your eyes for a second.

Nobody prepares you for how difficult the first few weeks with your baby can be. Or, as in my case, your friend Alice tries to prepare you, but you kind of tune her out because you’re 37 weeks pregnant and you really miss wine. Not only do they not prepare you, but throughout your third trimester many people will deliberately mislead you with exclamations of “Enjoy every minute of it!” and “It goes by so fast!” When you’re finally on the other side and holding your newborn in your arms, you will remember their words and realize that either they are sadistic assholes or their memories are clouded by all of the sleep and personal hygiene they get to enjoy. Yes, you will love your new baby because millions of years of evolution will produce the proper hormones to make it so, but you won’t necessarily be in love with your baby, and there’s a decent chance you won’t really like him all that much. He’s the reason your life—and your body—are no longer your own, and yet you barely even know the guy, and he never says thank you or apologizes for pooping on your lap.

One night when our son was about two weeks old, my husband and I lay awake for a few minutes after one of the 47 late night feedings, and we started whispering back and forth our tentative admissions.

 “It’s not like what I expected.”

“Sometimes I really miss our old life.”

“Did we make a huge mistake having a baby?”

“I mean I love him, but if both of you were drowning, I’m pretty sure I’d save you.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell us it was going to be like this?”

“I think Alice tried to tell us at that party a few weeks ago—”

“Oh right. I just figured there was just something wrong with her.”

My revelation is not universally true, of course. Some parents—and some babies—are better suited for the newborn stage than others. If you find yourself reveling in a state of bliss for the fourth trimester, go ahead and enjoy every minute of it, but for the love of Satan please don’t post that shit to Facebook. If it isn’t love at first sight, if you find you are incapable of enjoying every or even any minutes of it, know that you are not alone.

People with children over the age of 12 will tell you that the day their babies were born was the best day of their lives, but I think that is only true in memory. In truth, the day your first child is born is the most transformative day of your life. You can’t be expected to recover from that with a two-night stay in the hospital and a bottle of Percocet. You can’t be expected to recover from that at all. You will adapt, and soon you will fall so deeply in love that you will actually feel your heart splitting apart and reforming to accommodate the feeling. And in ten years or so you will be that ass-hat at the water cooler telling some swollen pregnant lady to enjoy every minute of it, because it really does go by so fast.

Written by: Kathleen

The Worst Trimester

The first/worst trimester of pregnancy can wreak serious havoc on your daily routine. Your baby still has a tail and is already calling the shots! For those of you who say you are done having babies, still give this a read just so you can kill that baby fever your ovaries get every time you see an adorable newborn. Here are the Top 5 things I hate about the first trimester:

 #1 The Bloating and Nausea

B.S.!!!!! Why does something the size of a blueberry need to occupy a penthouse in your uterus? You are already trying to hide your pregnancy by not vomiting in your co-worker’s coffee and now you have to hide a bump that isn’t even a baby. The bloat of the first trimester is uncomfortable and unflattering.  You have a belly you didn’t even get the chance to earn.  Luckily, oversized clothing is all the rage and you can get away with flowy tops until having to upgrade to the more flattering empire waste design. As if a beer belly isn’t enough, the nausea begins. There’s nothing worse than nausea. You are always ALMOST puking. This causes some to swear off food altogether, but for me the only thing that seems to help is to constantly eat carbohydrates. All I want are chips, crackers, burgers, fries, cereal, fries, fruit and fries. I’m just trying my best not to gain my entire pregnancy weight during the first trimester.  I know I’m a bit of whiner. Some of my closest friends have been plagued with the type of morning sickness that will make you want to demand a refund from the breeder. They spent the whole of their first trimester in a bathroom or on a couch in a perpetual state of despair and agony. To the mothers who have suffered so horribly to grow fingernails and diminish tails for their little tikes, I raise my soda water to you! I am a weaker woman.

#2 Fake Drinking

I call this a symptom because there’s really no other reason to fake drink unless you have an alien in your belly that can’t tell you it doesn’t like vodka. This tops the list as one of the worst because while not physically painful, it can cause emotional turmoil. For some of you this may be the first time you’ve spent several hours with your friends while you were the only one sober. Not fun. Best advice is to avoid group-drinking situations until 2 months post-partum. That way you won’t dump all your friends.

If you are forced to socialize and pretend to have fun, here are some tips:

• Implore your partner or BFF to drink for you! This involves a quick swap out of drinks when he gets low on his.

• Get to the bar early and get the bartender or waiter on your side. Explain your “situation” tell him that a great tip is in his future if he’ll serve you fake drinks all night.

• Soda water and lime. My grandmother taught me this at a very young age, not because I was a teen mom but because she didn’t want me to be embarrassed for being underage at parties.  Amazing woman.

•  Other people ordering your drinks? Simply mimic drinking without taking sips and take your drink with you to the restroom to dump it out every so often.

#3 The Looming Divorce

Whether your partner is a man, woman, or goat you are going to consider water boarding him or her at some point in your first trimester. He might not be solely responsible for your freshman 15 weight gain or your backne, but he definitely seems to find a way to make life way more irritating. Why can’t they just suck it up and wait on you hand and foot while you commence with the miracle of life stuff? 

TIP: Don’t kick him out yet—you’ll need someone to make midnight ice cream runs and the goat can be sent for Indian.

#4 The Fatigue

I get that your body is literally building another body inside of it, but does it have to completely suck the life force out of its creator? Why do you suddenly feel like you went on a 5-day bender with The Rolling Stones circa 1972, minus the epic tales and tattoos? The Walking Dead was originally a biopic about working pregnant women. CAN’T GO OVER IT, CAN’T GO UNDER IT, CAN’T GO AROUND IT, GOTTA GO THROUGH IT.

TIP: Try to squeeze in catnaps in the car at lunch.  If you have another child, you can catch a few zzzz’s during an intensive game of hide and seek.  Hide well :)

#5 The Acne

Why in the world does the most grown up decision of your life come with a prepubescent beacon? The pregnancy “glow" is actually a sheen of oil created by your acne covered forehead and chin. Break out the Seabreeze girls!

The best thing I can say about the first trimester is at least I don’t have stretch marks yet. 

Written by: Alice

Boob vs. Bottle

There is no more explosive topic among the warring mommy factions than the issue of breast versus bottle. C-sections, circumcision, co-sleeping—those are like your church youth group’s annual talent show, and breastfeeding is the Grammys, complete with a Kanye-West-type character stealing the mic and telling you how you’re doing it all wrong. Breastfeeding proponents will point to various sources of correlational data to support their claim that “Breast is Best,” and they are correct that most health advocates encourage exclusive breastfeeding for as long as possible in the first year. Those same health advocates also assert that a 1200-calorie diet of kale and quinoa is “best” for adults, yet I imagine a few of us supplement with red wine and bacon from time to time.

I breastfed my son for 11 months, and I also supplemented with formula starting around five months, when he began sleeping 10 hours at night and my supply took a dip. I spent a few days wallowing in guilt and frustration, but when the choice came down to supplementing or waking myself up twice a night to pump, I traded in the fenugreek for an evening martini and bought a can of formula.

As someone who both breastfed and formula fed and survived the wrath of La Leche League to tell the tale, below are some of the advantages I found to each method of feeding your child. In the end, if you find yourself despairing over poor supply or bad latch, just remember that our grandparents’ generation fed their babies Coca-cola and rice pudding straight from the bottle, and our parents turned out just fine.*

 * Except for the diabetes and heart disease.

Advantages to Breastfeeding:

1)      Opportunity to sleep for at least 60 minutes at a time for the first several weeks of your newborn’s life, plus the potential confidence boost if you manage to not murder your spouse when you overhear him telling the neighbors that he’s tired from “taking the night shift” because he got up once around midnight to see if you needed an extra pillow under your Boppy.

2)      Ability to get your infant to stop crying on an airplane, as long as you’re OK fielding the judgy eyes of the flight attendant when you ask for a double-mimosa to “help with let-down.”

3)      Excuse to take two to three breaks from work each day to sit alone in a utility closet attached to your breast pump while playing Candy Crush and trying not to notice how few ounces your left boob is producing.

4)      Total and complete de-sexualization of your breasts to the point that soon you will no longer require a nursing cover in public nor will you let your husband put his mouth anywhere near them ever again.

5)      Moderate sense of superiority because you secretly believe you’re a more selfless mother than your friends who don’t breastfeed, even though you also secretly envy them because they can enjoy a date night with their husband without fourteen days of advanced planning to ensure they have pumped enough milk for the baby’s normal bottles and the extra bottles your mother gives him every time she baby-sits because she secretly thinks you’re starving your baby by not giving him formula.

Advantages to Formula Feeding:

1)      Experience getting scolded by up to three different lactation consultants before you’ve even left the hospital, causing you to both weep uncontrollably and throw a bottle of Similac in the night nurse’s face.

2)      Ability to feed your infant in public anytime, anywhere, without having to wear a special bra or fumble with a blanket, as long as the public place sells distilled water and has an accessible outlet for your portable bottle warmer because Junior will only take his formula if it’s been heated to a perfect 92.6 degrees.

3)      Advanced discovery that your baby is allergic to both cow’s milk and soy and thus can only ingest a special kind of formula made from rose petals and bluebird tears that costs $450 a can and is not eligible for Amazon Prime.

4)      Opportunity to share feedings with your spouse, thereby giving you some much needed alone time to cry in the shower while questioning your femininity and your value as a mother.

5)      Sense of satisfaction in knowing that you are providing your child with nutritious sustenance in the manner that works best for your body, your baby, and your family, while also secretly relishing the fact that chances are good your baby will sleep through the night a full six weeks before those bionic breastfed babies do.

Written by: Kathleen

Oops! I did it again . . .

That’s right, round two here we come!! We did it, and now we are nervous. The decision to have a second child now seems completely irrational when you look at the hard facts. You couldn’t afford the first one, your social and professional lives have suffered, and you will never again have furniture that isn’t stained. It’s like crawling out of a poop tunnel after escaping from prison, deciding freedom isn’t for you, and turning around to go back through for more. That is the stinky trip I made the sober(ish) decision to embark upon.   

For those of you still in the throes of your first pregnancy or recent delivery of 1.0, you can’t imagine signing up for another round. The sneaky part is that you completely forget about all the physical discomfort and emotional havoc that comes with pregnancy, labor and postpartum. This is called “postpartum dementia”, because I just decided to call it that. This is where you lose the ability to connect with any of the pain and feel completely fine to go through all of it repeatedly until you lose all feeling in your lower extremities. Hence a world birth rate of 255 babies per minute—that’s 134,028,000 placentas hitting the floor or field, depending, every year people!!!  You are welcome world. I am doing my part to contribute. 

You tell yourself that your little one will only be able to feel the full joy of life if she can share it with another child who is blessed with the exact same set of amazing parents. WRONG! Do you know how amazing it is to be the only child in your parents’ and, if you’re lucky, grandparents’ lives? I am surprised we don’t have more first born children marching on Washington petitioning that 2nd and 3rd borns be pushed off the highest peak! Don't take this as me saying we should all come from single-child families. As a middle child myself, I am very thankful that my parents drank the same crazy juice as everyone else and decided to double down (they even went for thirds later), but I am certain that my older sibling spent the better part of my youth trying to figure out a way to feed me to the fishes, and can I really blame her? She had a world that was completely run by her giggles and scheduled around her potty breaks. When I showed up, it put a huge cramp in her style. She would have likely been a Mensa candidate if my parents hadn’t dispersed their attention and wisdom across all three of us.  To my first child: I apologize for ruining your chances of being exceptional.  

In all seriousness, we are thrilled to have the chance to give this parenting thing another go. Surely we can’t screw up two children. There’s always one that’s good right?  

D is completely underwhelmed by the idea of a sibling. 

C-Sections: The Aftermath

Even though you are not having a C-section, if someone you know ends up having one, it might be useful to know what to expect in the aftermath. Full disclosure—I had a relatively easy recovery, so you may want to consult some medically trained expert-type people, or at least someone who has had more than one baby, for further details.

Your Blood Pressure: In the minutes immediately following surgery, your blood pressure may plummet. There are medical reasons for this that are perfectly normal and that I am too lazy to Google. You won’t necessarily know that this is happening—what you will feel is an intense, overwhelming desire to close your eyes and sleep. I thought this desire to pass out cold meant I didn’t love my baby and I was going to be a terrible mother. I have the capacity to generate a great deal of self-loathing in a short period of time. Turns out my BP was 80/40, and it remained that way for about an hour. I wish I’d known about the blood pressure drop and saved myself another year of therapy.

The Not Moving: You just had the baby you’ve been dreaming about for 40 weeks, and you can’t get out of bed to pick him up. You’re supposed to be a mother, a bastion of softness and cuddles, but you’re attached to machines and wires and there may be a tube up your hoo-ha to help you pee. This part is demoralizing, but it doesn’t last forever. The machines will recede, you will be walking upright in a few days, and in the meantime, your spouse will get pretty good at changing tiny diapers and scraping meconium off his wedding ring. 

The Gas: Of all the competing types of pain and discomfort in my newly postpartum body, the post-op gas pain was by far the worst. I felt like I had acid pooling in my shoulders and a fire-breathing dragon nestled in my spine. The gas relievers were about as effective as a sling shot in a nuclear war. Thankfully it only lasted about 48 hours. I have never been more excited to fart in public than I was on the second day after surgery.

Fifty Shades of Pain: In addition to gas pain, there is also the shrinking uterus pain, and the holy-shit-I’ve-been-cut-open pain, as well as a host of miscellaneous pains, like the “my insides have been temporarily removed and then replaced just slightly out of order” pain, or the “a human child tried to push its head through my lady bits but then got stuck in my pelvic bone for sixteen hours” pain. Your pain will be unique, but Hydrocodone is generic, so make sure you demand it at regular intervals and keep taking it at home. Your plan for a natural childbirth is already road-kill on the highway of reality; this is not the time to just say no.

There Will Be Blood: Because I am not especially good at science or basic logic, I briefly thought the one upside to having a C-section would be not dealing with the dreaded “lochia,” which is Latin for “pretty sure you’ll be wearing a maxi pad until your child is in second grade.” Of course I was wrong—the doctors are not considerate enough to scoop out all the blood and goop while you’re open on the table. Your baby may not have exited the old fashioned way, but everything else will.

Your First Post-Op BM: Much like it prepared for labor, your body may spend days or even weeks preparing for its first bowel movement after delivery. Eventually the need will become undeniable, so hand the baby to your spouse, grab a magazine and some Gatorade, and settle in for the long-haul. It could take hours, and you will feel like you are giving birth to a bag of rocks. There will be praying, cursing, and hysterical crying. You will do things that would shock your younger self, and you will never speak of those things to anyone again. When it’s all over, you will experience a wave of euphoria followed by intense exhaustion. Congratulations, it’s a poop.

The Scar: At first, the incision site may resemble something you’ve seen in those chain-emails your mom used to forward about co-eds going to Cancun for spring break and waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing. Worry not—like your memory of childbirth, your scar will fade, eventually becoming a thin white line that your future teenager will barely be able to see when you demand she look at it after she calls you the b-word in front of her friends.

Written by: Kathleen

Babies come out where?

Walk into any group of moms of children under age five and say the words “C-section” and you’ll be greeted with the same averted eyes and awkward smirks as the parents whose babies have flat heads because they spent too much time in the Mamaroo while mommy fed her Pinterest habit. Telling a group of semi-strangers you have hemorrhoids is far more acceptable than telling them you had a C-section, even though, statistically speaking, one third of them probably had one, too. C-sections are the third rail of birth stories—the nice moms will express sorrow for your loss, the asshole moms will tell you why your lack of feminist fervor and maternal fortitude means your child will likely grow into an asthmatic sex offender with a severe peanut allergy.

I think the most adamant anti-“sectioners” have this image of a woman at 36-weeks pregnant, a martini in one hand and her epidural in the other, growing impatient that her 45 minutes of labor will make her late for the ballet. Even the more sympathetic naysayers, those who grasp the concept of the emergency C-section, seem to harbor the belief that if you were just empowered enough to ask the right questions and build a proper argument to present to your doctor, you could reverse the course of medical intervention and have a vaginal birth like mother nature intended.

If you are currently pregnant with your first child, you are probably in the sympathetic-naysayer camp. You know that sometimes C-sections are medically necessary, and you know that you yourself will not be having one. Your birth plan may be longer than your doctoral thesis, complete with hyperlinked references and a video clip from The Business of Being Born, or it may be jotted down in pencil on the back of a cocktail napkin, but it probably makes pretty clear your desire to push your baby out the ole’ lady canal. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with a C-section—your sister had one and yes, your nephew has a mild allergy to truffle oil and he gets a little wheezy during ragweed season, but so far he shows no signs of being aroused by corpses—it’s just that you plan to do things naturally, and you’re pretty sure you have an above-average tolerance for pain.

I pretty much felt the same way until my own labor experience, which did not involve theater tickets or arguing briefs before my medical team. I was in early labor for 48 hours and active labor for nine hours before I received an epidural. My contractions were perfect, my baby had been at zero station for weeks, but my cervix wouldn’t budge. It may have obliged us eventually, there is no way to know, but after my water broke there was nothing to keep the umbilical cord afloat, and it slowly began wrapping around my son like a boa constrictor. With every contraction, the snake squeezed tighter, and his heart rate began to indicate distress. My doctor explained the situation to me in a way that fit my particular view on nature and biology: My baby was communicating with my body, telling it that he couldn’t come out that way and it needed to keep the door shut. With his heart rate decelerating rapidly, she presented the surgical option. It was my decision, and I didn’t hesitate. You won’t hesitate when your child’s health is in danger—you won’t in that first moment, and you never will again. When your baby is telling you what he needs, no force on Earth will stop you from giving it to him. There's a voice inside of you that says: “My life is no longer my own. I will do anything for you. I will die for you.” You forget about your birth plan because you know that it was never about you.

Despite my compelling tale of maternal strength and love, you probably still don’t want a C-section, and you are probably pretty sure you would’ve made it a few more hours without the epidural and ultimately had the blissful vaginal delivery of your dreams. I don’t blame you—I still second-guess myself, too. I don’t regret consenting to the C-section, but I do wish I hadn’t needed one, and I am currently working on the argument I will present to my doctor in favor of a VBAC the next time around. Just know that if your labor hits a detour or other unexpected bumps in the road, despite the statistics and the data and the regretful sighs of the other Gymboree moms, you will make the right decision for you and your child in the moment based on the information you have. You are a mom now, and that’s what moms do.

Labored by: Kathleen

Born in the Wild

The decision to go “natural”, aka drug free, was an easy one for me and involved very little political ideals or hemp products. My mother had all three of us at home, so I felt secure in the knowledge that my DNA would allow me to channel my inner wild animal and pop a baby out a la carte! That said, I will admit that while I had publicly made up my mind, I was privately giving myself permission to scream “uncle” mid-contraction.

I went into labor 10 days before my due date. I am not really clear on the rules around how long people say they labored. Do you claim the time the doctor says labor technically started, the moment when you actually realized you were in labor, or the time when you start to feel like your body is splitting in half? For me: Doctor’s Time: 5 hours; My Time: 2 hours; Body Splitting Time: 30 minutes.

My water broke while I was at work. Since I was 10 days early and it was just a little trickle, I figured that this was the stage in pregnancy when you start peeing yourself. I was feeling a bit off all day so I had planned to leave a little early anyway. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to call my doctor and check in in case it wasn’t just pee. They had me come in to the office and discovered that I had in fact broken my water. They immediately moved forward with normal protocol telling me that I needed to check into the hospital and get hooked up to pitocin. I explained that I was not using pitocin or an epidural. My doctor warned me that it could be up to 24 hours for me to deliver if I didn’t use pitocin. I told her I had nowhere to be and that wasn’t a problem for me. One thing you have to prepare yourself for if you opt for a drug-free delivery is that the hospital is full of pushers. Around every corner there is a nurse saying, “just try a little, it will make you feel better.” I chose to treat the nursing staff like drug dealers and would yell out “drug free is the way to be!” It scared them enough to back off and was super amusing for me. Once my husband got to the hospital, the nurse had us walk the halls with an enormous towel, because if the rest of my water broke by the vending machine I would be ever-so worried that someone might slip. When we hiked back to the room and sat on the bed for some quick monitor action, the rest of my waters came out. For those of you who haven’t experienced your waters breaking on your own, I liken it to the lack of control my grandmother must feel when she soaks her Depends while playing bridge. It flows right out of you and you can’t do anything to stop it or slow it down. Once that wonderful, buoyant universe was depleted, I felt nothing but baby! That’s when the painful contractions started. Since pain is gauged due to the dramatic tendencies of the person, I’ll just say it hurt a 7, with 10 being the pain I felt when Sonny Bono died. I tried to focus on the purpose of the pain and the fact that in 6-10 years that purpose will do my dishes. Once the baby was out, the release of pressure was a huge relief. Your body is so pumped with natural adrenaline that acute pain isn’t really present. Your body is wound up really tightly. My legs had tremors for an hour after delivery. The recovery from a drug free birth is relatively quick and the percentage of women that get tears, etc, is lower because your body can feel what is happening and properly prepare—aka stretch. There is no missing out on the days of aftermath or the next 20 years of exhaustion no matter how your little one came into the world. Pick the path that is right for you and reserve the right to change your mind. Also know that the only thing that is 100% certain about childbirth is that nothing will go exactly as you planned. In the words of one maladjusted ice princess, “Let It Go, Let It Go!”

 Suggested Natural Birth Playlist

“I’m Coming Out” Pink

“Burning Ring of Fire” Johnny Cash

“Push It” Salt-N-Peppa

“Hit Me Baby One More Time” Britney Spears

“Come As You Are” Nirvana

“Sunday Bloody Sunday” U2

“My Humps” Black Eyed Peas

“Drop It Like It’s Hot” Snoop Dogg

“Who’s Gonna Raise these Babies” Shovels and Rope

 Written by: Alice

Co-Sleeping with the Enemy

These should really be called Co-catnappers, because the concept of true sleep is never realized while these apparatuses are in use. However, they do make the nighttime wakefulness a little less painful. I personally used the sidecar Arm’s Reach Mini Co-Sleeper. It fit nicely in the narrow space between my bed and closet door and came right up to the edge of the bed. My game plan for nighttime feedings was to move as little as possible. I had a diaper changing station set up on my nightstand and a nightlight to breastfeed and change diapers by. I wanted something that only required me to open one eye. There are numerous products on the market that fit these requirements—here are a few of the best:

#1 Pick: Arm’s Reach Mini Co-Sleeper: $156

·      ProJ Literally an arm’s reach away.

·      ProJ You can purchase extenders to match the height of your bed perfectly.

·      ProJ Good training for breaking down the Pack-N-Play in the future.

·      ConL When you are searching for somewhere to store it after 4 months, you may regret the          $39/month you put down. Make yourself have a second child to compensate.

#2 Pick: Graco Pack-N-Play Playard with Newborn Napper: $178

·      Pro: Two for one! Great value for something you can use during the first few months and              well into the toddler years.

·      Pro: Perfect for travel.

·      Pro: Price point is worth it when you factor in the length of time in use.

·      Con: Requires a bedroom with lots of space.

·      Con: You have to put your feet on the floor to retrieve your crying offspring.

#3 Pick: Fisher Price Rock ‘n Play Sleeper: $41.99 (see our full product review by Kathleen)

·      Pro: Best choice for the price and the purpose.

·      Pro: Provides an ideal incline position and snuggle factor.

·      Pro: Easily toted from room to room.

·      Con: If you have a pillow top mattress or a bunk bed, reaching for your little one in the                  middle of the night when your stomach muscles have turned to chia pudding can be quite            the uncomfortable venture.

#4 Pick: Baby Delight Snuggle Nest: $39.99

·      Pro: Perfect for those with little-to-no floor space.

·      Pro: If you’re nursing, you simply have to roll to one side to pop a boob in baby’s mouth.

·      Con: Can literally create a wedge between you and your spouse—which might be a positive for those of you living in fear of the 6-week postpartum doctor’s visit.

Please note that these gadgets have an extremely limited life, and consider that when you are deciding on the level of investment that you would like to make. How much would you spend on a pair of shoes if you were only going to wear them for 3-6 months max?

Written by: Alice

My Name is Baby, and I'm a Paci Addict

To some in today’s 30-mpg-on-the-highway-cross-over driving, old-world-vineyard preferring, grad-school-loan-repaying parenting community, suggesting you use a pacifier is the equivalent of telling you to formula-feed your baby while she sleeps on her stomach in a forward-facing car seat. I mentioned the word “binky” in our toddler music class last week, and every mom in the room turned to stare in panicked silence before openly contemplating whether someone should call Child Protective Services.

There are many concerns listed in the Googlesphere regarding the use of pacifiers, each ranking higher than the last on the “shrill harpy” scale of mommy-crazy. According to the most alarmist claims, your paci-sucking baby may never learn to talk, or he’ll have constant ear infections, or he’ll grow up to be a cross-dressing sociopath who tells his victims to put the lotion on the skin. For the sake of balanced reporting, I consulted the Mayo Clinic, my new online source of hypochondria ever since WebMD assured me that my frequent foot-muscle-spasms were definitely cancer. The Mayo Clinic is all, “some people use a pacifier and develop normally,” the way you might say that some people smoke a pack a day and live to be 102.  Then they go on to list the pros of pacifier use, which include soothing your baby when he cries, helping him learn to fall asleep, and reducing his risk of SIDS. The cons include nipple confusion, dependency, and crooked teeth—but only if your kid is still gnawing on his binky at age nine, and then let’s be honest, you’re already in trouble with the meth you’ve been cooking in the basement, you negligent ass-clown. Assuming you have a 12-step program for paci-addicts lined up before his second birthday, grab yourself a handful of rubber nipples from the hospital stash and go forth fostering an oral fixation. I promise it’s worth it.

As anyone who has read the first five pages and then skipped to the middle of The Happiest Baby on the Block will tell you, sucking is one of the “5 Ss” that, when applied in perfect order and coordination, will make your newborn baby stop crying for at least 90 seconds, thereby giving you time to call your husband and demand he cancel the rest of his business trip and fly home from New York immediately, no matter that it’s 11PM and he’s actually in San Francisco. Your baby can also be calmed by sucking on your boob or a bottle, but the former leads to cracked nipples and co-sleeping until college, and the latter to cashing in your 401(k) to pay for extra formula and future summers at fat camp. You may have to work at building the paci habit for a few weeks, but the dividends pay off in the form of faster self-soothing, earlier sleeping through the night, and more frequent passive-aggressive comments from your mother-in-law that confirm your suspicion that she thinks you’re a mediocre parent at best.

Of course, I can’t guarantee you that using a pacifier won’t turn your precious angel into a serial killer—my binky-loving son is just 19 months old, and so far his only questionable behavior toward animals is his stubborn insistence that cows say “boo.” However, I will say with anecdotal certainty that a healthy pacifier habit can stymy a dropped-apple-at-Whole-Foods tantrum, straighten a no-more-car-seat full-body arch, and reverse your baby’s pre-dawn wake-ups that, without fail, follow the nights you decide to open that third bottle of wine. I’m still new at this parenting thing, but in my opinion, extra sleep and avoiding a public scene in the vegan dairy aisle are totally worth the potential future cost of braces and home drug testing kits. And let’s be honest, if you’re still reading my recommendations after the first four posts, you’ll probably be paying for one of those things in a few years anyway.

Written by: Kathleen

The Art of a Meltdown

MELTDOWN [melt doun]: Describes what happens when a person freaks out, cracks, loses control of herself. Life - reality at large- becomes overwhelming. She just can't deal with it all. The person may act out, withdraw, become emotional, run, etc...

If you are lucky enough to have experienced one of these special moments with your child, then you either powered through with flying colors, gave in and bought your kid that life-sized inflatable elephant, OR you are currently trying to figure out how to transfer custody to your least favorite sibling. Whatever the means of coping, you deserve a pat on the back. For those of you who have not yet ventured into the world of floor tantrums, get ready! You may be wondering if your toddler screaming in the car seat because he is tired or your baby getting extra fussy around mealtime qualifies as a meltdown. They DO NOT!!! There is so much more to this special developmental milestone. Note, there are some “child specialists” that would suggest that there are ways to avoid tantrums all together. I’m calling B.S. on these claims. These “experts” have clearly never tried to go grocery shopping with a 2 year-old who has just discovered how good it feels to smash a bag of bread with her butt.

RECIPE FOR A MELTDOWN

2 parts child age 18 months to 18 years

1 part terrorist

1 part mother-in-law

1 part genetic crazy code (this varies depending on the parents’ crazy tendency)

optional: Public setting

SURVIVAL STRATEGY

Step 1: Do not look it (it=your offspring) directly in the eye.

Step 2: If in public, determine the fastest exit strategy—leave behind shopping carts, luggage, and loved ones if necessary.

Step 3: Once in the car or padded room, let the meltdown run its course.

Step 4: THE MOST CRUCIAL STEP: WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!! You cannot, I repeat cannot do anything about the irrational way that your child is behaving. Once she is in the throws of a full meltdown, she has lost her ability to comprehend what anyone else is saying or doing.

Step 5: Minimize the casualties by clearing the area of any pets, other children, and sharp objects.

Step 6: Ignore and wait…

Step 7: …and wait.

Step 8: Once your little terrorist rejoins the human world, return to regularly scheduled programming.   

COMING SOON: "How to handle Daddy Meltdowns"

Written by: Alice 

Baby, I've got you covered

This particular “essential” gear recommendation may be a tad specific to my own experience. The Rock ‘n Play and a baby carrier have become universal requirements for proper bourgeois parenting—run a Facebook poll of your parent friends and the endorsements will come rolling in. Minimalist as you may plan to be while you begin your baby registry journey in the first trimester, you will still find yourself in seven months, awake at 2am on your third night home from the hospital, cluster-feeding your infant in one arm while signing up for Amazon Prime on your phone with the other so you can order the RNP to be delivered in the next five hours.

But a Carseat Canopy™, you ask? After all, you registered for several of those Aden & Anais muslin swaddlers, and your friends all assure you they are quite versatile, even if they do cost as much as your father’s entire four years of college. Why do you need yet another blanket, just because it has a heavy interior lining and Velcro straps?

One of the many things no one tells you about newborns is that they are easily overstimulated. I don’t mean that they get a little antsy at Chuck E. Cheese, I mean that turning on an overhead light can send their raw-pancake-batter nervous system into a manic frenzy. Some newborns are more susceptible than others—with zero data and only a vague recollection of reading this on BabyCenter, I think babies born on the early side of 40 weeks tend to have stimuli receptors that are more undercooked than their late-term counterparts. Maybe that’s just my excuse for why my son, born two weeks early, was a screaming ball of exposed nerve for most of his fourth trimester. He shrank from sunlight like a wrinkly-skinned mole, and if we had the audacity to have a ceiling fan going when the phone rang, he reacted like he was having dental surgery without anesthesia. My pre-baby visions of taking him on long walks in the stroller, admiring the fall foliage and opining on the meaning of life, were dashed by the reality of having an infant whose senses were frequently overloaded by the stripes on his crib sheet.

 Tiny infant C, snuggled deep in the Misty Mountains and dreaming of the Precious

The Carseat Canopy is a thick blanket that attaches to the handle of an infant carrier and creates a sensory deprivation chamber of darkness and calm. It’s the newborn equivalent of scented candles, a warm bubble bath, and Enya on surround sound. Once I discovered the utility of the Carseat Canopy, I was finally able to take little Gollum out of the house and into the world. Enveloped in the womb-like solace of his car seat, he would stop screaming and fall asleep a few minutes into a car ride, as long as I played David Sedaris podcasts on the stereo and never stopped at red lights. I could even take him for walks in the stroller, secure in knowing that no UV rays would pierce his paper-thin eyelids and trigger his Saw-like baby nightmares.

Thanks to the Carseat Canopy, by 12 weeks I had my baby on a schedule the Baby Whisperer would envy. A one-hour nap in the morning, driving around a city route that elegantly avoided all speed bumps, stop signs, and traffic lights; an afternoon nap in my arms as I made impressive progress on Candy Crush; and an early evening nap while I walked a three-mile loop around my neighborhood, a roadie in my hand and triumph in my heart.

Written by: Kathleen

Dining with Monsters

We have all sat next to the table of children who are turning the restaurant into a Greek wedding and uttered the words, “If my kid acts like that, we just won’t go out.” That’s some pre-baby nonsense. You’ll go out. Even if for no better reason than to avoid defrosting another one of the mysterious post-baby meals delivered to you by the neighbor you barely know and who probably only brought it over so that she could check out the size of the linen closet in your bathroom. Here are a few tips to dining with a carry-on.

Get your training wheels under you while your little one can still be contained and toted. This means pulling back your un-showered hair and putting on a pair of pants that conceal your net underwear. Eating out with a young baby is, and should be, fairly uneventful, as most are content in their carrier and can snooze the whole time, especially if aided by a Carseat Canopy or similar apparatus. Bonus!! Since your little one doesn’t yet have a defined bedtime, then you can actually meet friends out after 6:00 pm, allowing you to believe that your social life will only moderately be affected by your new offspring.

NOTE: Avoid super hip restaurants boasting the latest trendlet of seating you on a staircase to dine, thus providing no space to prop baby and offering no coverage if you need to - GASP - breastfeed in public.

MAY THE PLATE SMASHING BEGIN!

Taking toddlers out to eat is not for the weak. If you respect a nice night out without the distraction of a screaming kid at the next table over, then choose a restaurant that you would never go to for such an escape. I suggest chain restaurants as they have low standards, crappy food, and disreputable clientele likely not to judge. Your foodie community will thank you AND you will still be able to show your face at your favorite “date night” spot. Plan to get there when the doors open for dinner service. The upsides to the early hour: the geriatric diners will find your toddler’s fifth jog around their table endearing, a light crowd equals timely food service and attention, and being early will give you ample time to get back in the car before a pending bedtime meltdown ensues. This is the stage when you will likely lose or sideline those friends who do not have children. Fear not, they’ll come back around when you have a built in D.D. in 16 years.

Supplies for Dining Out:

·      An assortment of entertainment: coloring books, small toy cars, etc;

·      A sippy cup, because the cup with the straw and lid provides only the illusion of security;

·      Toddler utensils;

·      Full body bib;

·      Wipes

Have a ‘tap out’ understanding with your partner so that you each take a turn occupying the little one. I have a particularly curious and active toddler, so if I am to get a sip of my wine at dinner, I need to be able to pass off duty to someone else. On the upside, it now takes me only 27 seconds to down a glass of Chardonnay.  

NOTE: Trick of the trade—after your little one inevitably leaves a mess that would rival the aftermath of a Chris Brown concert, ask the server if you can borrow a broom. If she is even halfway competent, she will refuse and appreciate you for asking, ensuring that you can return to the restaurant and be confident that no one is spitting in your food.

Written by: Alice

The only six or seven strollers you will ever need

As far as I know, there are no serious ethical or political debates surrounding your stroller selection. Nobody makes a stroller out of recycled kitty litter and cornstarch, nor one that belts “Keep the Christ in Christmas!” from Halloween to the New Year. No, when it comes to picking a stroller, you’ll have to stick to the old-fashioned questions of, “How much do you want to spend on a stroller?” and “How much do you want to spend on the stroller you will buy after you realize that you cheaped-out on your first stroller and it’s a useless piece of crap taking up space in your mud room?”

It is an undeniable truth that you will own more than one stroller over the next 2-3 years. There is no single stroller that meets all of your child-transportation needs from birth to whenever you give up on preventing your precious cherub from emptying all the shelves at Barnes & Noble. You may tell yourself that back in the day your mom piled all seven of her kids into a buggy made from rusty pipes and a burlap sack and that’s good enough for your kid, too, but sooner or later you will crack and find yourself stalking other mothers at the zoo, peppering them with questions about their UPPAbaby Vistas while your heart fills with lust and envy. Do your soul-searching and your homework now and you will save yourself the heartache and a potential restraining order down the road.

In the beginning, you will need some sort of stroller that your infant carrier snaps into with relative ease. Baby-wearing is all well and good unless your newborn bundle of happiness is asleep in his car seat after 17 straight hours of crying and you’ve just arrived at CVS to buy adult diapers because you are still bleeding like a busted fire hydrant six weeks after delivery. When you are faced with the choice of disturbing your slumbering lovebug and triggering another four-day “witching hour” or drowning in your own postpartum sludge, you will appreciate being able to move the car seat from the car to the snap-n-go so that you can trot inside for your crotch pillows and a bag of Cheetos without disturbing baby's snuggly dreamland.

Depending on where you live and how active you pretend you will be during your maternity leave, you may also need an all-terrain or jog stroller. This is where I got duped by Big Stroller, believing I could navigate my urban, Craftsman-era neighborhood with a lightweight, easily collapsible Baby Jogger City Mini GT. Our house has exterior stairs to the front door and I have the upper arm-strength of a 98 year-old woman, so something under 15 lbs seemed a logical choice. It turns out that due to my neighborhood’s charm and strict tree-removal ordinances, our sidewalks look like a set from the movie Tremors, and the City Mini with a car seat attached is as stable as a double-decker bus in a hurricane. After a few stubborn months of carefully navigating around pinecones and acorns, I broke down and bought the BOB Revolution. The BOB is built on the same chassis as the M1 Abrams battle tank. It’s made of industrial steel and ox bone and it weighs as much as a Hyundai, but costs a little bit more. The BOB can scale the exploded ruins of post-apocalypse Manhattan or the curb at the botanical gardens without breaking your gait. Resistance is futile for all of you re-gentrified urban oasis dwellers. If your ZIP code has more than two independent coffee houses with free WiFi or one “public house” that brews beer on-premises and doesn’t serve nachos, you will be buying a BOB before your baby’s six-month photo shoot.

Finally, there are the pipe-and-burlap umbrella strollers of our youth. No frills, no brakes, no actual use, because by the time your kid is old enough to sit in one without sliding under the single-strap seat-belt, you’ll be on your iPhone ordering a double BOB from your hospital bed in Labor & Delivery while your husband sits by your side, mentally calculating the projected cost of college tuition for two and browsing suburban real estate listings on Trulia.

Written by: Kathleen

Pump It Up

Is that your nipple in a vacuum? The first thing to think about when considering which breast pump to get is that they all suck: both metaphorically and literally.  There isn’t a woman in the world that will tell you she loved pumping. It’s a means to an end and a necessary evil, unless you plan to go the formula or attachment parenting routes.

My device of pain: the Medela Freestyle Pump. Don’t let the name fool you, there is nothing freeing about this pump. However, it does offer the efficiency of dual pumping, making it easier to open a bottle of wine while your nipples are being abused. A bonus to this particular pump is the compact “engine” that can be clipped onto your stretchy pants, allowing you to do housework, complete spreadsheets, sit in a restroom stall, and walk on the treadmill while expelling the liquid gold for your little one. If you are like me and will need to pump between board meetings and chats around the water cooler, then this model will definitely pay for itself. You can pump in a public restroom or in your office with ease. Further, if you are a stay-at-home mom who is looking to increase supply or readying your stash for going back to work, you can strap this baby on while ordering your significant other around.

Tips for Pumping at Work:

·      Take a cooler or freezer bag. I really liked the Playtex Freeze To-Go Tote. Just throw it in the freezer in the evenings and it is ready to go, and you can leave it at your desk during the day. This helps you avoid having to use the staff refrigerator and screaming at Bill for thinking he was funny for using your breast milk in his coffee. #thestruggleisreal

·      If your employer isn’t progressive enough to provide a pump space and you don’t have a private office, finding a space to relax can be a challenge. When I got a new job and lost the privacy of my own office, I pumped in a chair in a public women’s restroom with my nursing cover. It made for an interesting first day of work as I introduced myself to colleagues and even the board chair in the restroom and then sat silently while I listened to them pee. 

·      If you are working 40+ hours a week and pumping at least 3 times a day then you will likely experience a decrease in production. No matter how hard that pump pulls your nipple, it can not match your little one’s natural sucker—and your body knows it! Fear not, there are great formulas out there that you can use to supplement AND this does not mean that your child is more or less likely to throw your cat out of a window one day. It is a natural side effect to the demand on your body. NOTE: Avoid using bigger bottles for pumping unless you have the production of a dairy cow otherwise it will just make you feel like a failure.

Tips for Milk Storage:

·      If you are stockpiling, then the freezer bags are ideal.  Freeze in varying amounts as baby’s needs will change, and you don’t want to have to defrost an 8-ounce bag when you really only need 6 ounces, thus forcing your husband to drink a “mommy Russian”. *Frozen breast milk, much like raw meat, should ideally be consumed within 24 hours of defrost.

·      For daily storage, Medela offers ample solutions, including lids with dials to indicate the date of pump. These are helpful for working moms who are trying to stay one day ahead: Friday’s pump = Monday’s bottles. Get bottles in various sizes to accommodate for increasing needs.

When/How to Start Pumping:

·      Going back to work post-baby:

o   I suggest you start the practice of pumping 2 weeks postpartum.

o   Pump right after you’ve fed the baby. This will tell your body to increase supply and help to build your stash right away. This also works whether you are doing timed or demand-based feedings.

o   Use some of this stash to start introducing the bottle after the first month so that your babe will be well versed in bottle feeding by the time you are forced, after a quick 3-month maternity leave, to drop her off at daycare.

·      Staying at home with baby:

o   You can start as early as you want, but you likely won’t feel any real pressure to build a stash right away.

o   Do some intermittent pumping after the first month. This will allow you to build up a modest amount that can be pulled out of the freezer in the event that you get the flu or want to go see a movie.

o   For the more social mommy who wants to resume date nights and regular doctor’s visits, I suggest routinely pumping post-feedings starting after the first month. 

Written by: Alice

Rock 'n Play Me All Night Long

First off, you should know that every single piece of baby gear you buy will come with multiple warnings in a variety of languages that inform you that any alteration or misuse of this product will undoubtedly kill your baby. At first these warnings are terrifying, but worry not—eventually you will grow numb to neon yellow tags that threaten the spontaneous combustion of your offspring, and you will no longer tremble at the sight of the all-caps labels on your stroller barking at you like an irritable French waiter, “Mise en Garde! Mise en Garde you stupid American filth!” Indeed, soon enough you will be recklessly dressing your toddler in baggy pajamas and putting your lukewarm coffee in the cup-holder of your BOB accessory bar, but in the early weeks you will be bullied into compliance. Thus when I tell you right now that letting your newborn spend the night in the Fisher Price Rock ‘n Play will save you from openly empathizing with terror suspects in Guantanamo, you will not listen. Babies must sleep on their backs on a hard, flat surface, you will think with the smugness of someone who has never put kitty litter in the coffee maker. That’s what both the Mayo Clinic and all of the other first-time moms on the What to Expect message board say, and by God that is how your baby will sleep, no exceptions.

Except that newborn babies won’t sleep flat on their backs on a hard surface because newborn babies are not preternaturally suited for a post-apocalyptic nomadic civilization or a third-world prison. Oh sure, maybe in the hospital your little bug slept in that plastic fish tank like a champ, but only because he was knocked out from the Fentanyl drip you got when you still thought you could handle a natural childbirth. Once home, your baby will only sleep in one of two places: your arms, or the Rock ‘n Play (aka the “RNP”, as those twats on the message board will refer to it after they enjoy three straight nights of cluster feeding).

The RNP is firm enough to mimic a prison cot, and it gives you no choice but to put your baby on his back, however, unlike on that slab of concrete they call a crib mattress, your baby will actually sleep in it. The curved basket imitates your own warm embrace, and it rests your baby at a slight elevation, which helps with colic and reflux and all of the other made-up reasons newborns scream non-stop for 4-8 hours a day. Plus his spastic muscle control will cause the RNP to rock back and forth, lulling him into that mythical “deep” sleep that lasts until the moment you put the shampoo in your hair.

Go ahead and register for the RNP, telling yourself you will only use it to lay your baby in while you read to him from the New York Times or sing him Italian operas. It will be there waiting for you after you drag the Arm’s Reach co-sleeper out to your front lawn and light it on fire, and it won’t even say “I told you so.” It will just cuddle your baby close, swaying slightly as if jostled by a warm summer breeze, while you weep quietly into your cold cup of litter-coffee and wonder if Guantanamo might not be so bad this time of year.

Written by: Kathleen

Our first morning at home, marveling at the power of the RNP and wondering why my coffee tastes like cat pee.

Because you can't give them ambien . . .

When it comes to sleep training, there are hundreds of methods and millions of opinions. What is the “right” way to get your child to sleep? First of all, I recommend you approach this from a different angle. What is the right way to get you to sleep? Ultimately, your little one will follow the method that suits you best, and she will feel happy and supported if you are well rested. Think of it as sleep training for you. Below are a few of the most common methods and MY opinions on them. I want to emphasize that these are MY opinions through MY own experience and they come from a parent who had to work full-time. I found that it wasn’t just one of these methods that worked for us, but a combination of them. In other words, skip the album and go for the mixed tape.  

Some things to note before getting started:

#1 - Even the best sleepers will have sleepless nights and even the worst sleepers can learn how to sleep.

#2 - Whatever your situation, make a plan. When your little one inevitably rebels against the method of your choice, make sure you know what your next move is going to be, because at 3am you are about as rational in your thinking as a cat with tape on its feet.

#3 - EVERYONE needs sleep. You are going to be more efficient as a parent and member of the human race if you can keep your eyes open long enough to catch your nocturnal offspring before she scales the chimney. 

THE FAMILY BED (CO-SLEEPING) Championed by hippies, helicopter moms, the emotionally needy, and Alicia Silverstone.

Recommended for: Those with no need for a schedule

What is it? Practice in which babies and young children sleep close to one or both parents, as opposed to in a separate room.

Upsides: You don’t ever have to get up!!! You, Brian Wilson, and your baby can lounge in bed all day somewhere between slumber and sleep. You won’t have to rejoin the world until your child requires solid foods.

Downsides: If co-sleeping continues well into the first year, you run the risk of your child being dependent on you to fall asleep, thus not allowing you to return to a social or romantic life and forcing you to change your sleep patterns to match theirs. Forget wine nights with friends and settle for quickies in the pantry.

Check Out: Beyond the Sling: A Real Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way by Mayim Bialik, PhD

NO CRY METHOD Used by Marilyn Manson and the creator of Gangnam style.

Recommended for: Vampires and masochists

What is it? Advocates for parents to lull and sooth their baby to sleep in order to avoid the fear and negative sleep associations that, this theory claims, can develop when a child is put to sleep alone.

Upsides: You get to judge the Cry It Out parents for being cruel and the Co-sleepers for being creepy. Your little one experiences a peaceful transition into sleep and his future is full of rainbows and unicorns, AND you get to hop in and out of bed throughout the evening to quickly replace the pacifier, breastfeed, or lull!

Downsides: This can be an extremely laborious process that can lead to varying results. This method is unrealistic for working parents or anyone that wants to parent with the umbilical cord detached. Imagine working the night shift for several months and only being able to sleep while waiting in the drive-thru line.

Check Out: The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley

CRY IT OUT (CIO) Used by Hillary Clinton on Bill after the 2000 election. 

 Recommended for: Those who strive to have a work-baby-life balance and some semblance of a schedule

What is it? Approach that lets a baby cry for a specified period of time, offering comfort at regular intervals, in an effort to teach her how to self-sooth and fall asleep on her own.

Upsides: Better quality sleep for the whole family and your baby learns how to put him/herself to sleep! While the CIO method may appear to be a type of cruel and unusual punishment, its results are indisputable AND it works quickly. This means you can have a relative, a babysitter, or even your pet put your little one to bed while you’re out reconnecting with the friends that remind you of your award-winning personality and distract your from your breast leakage.

Downsides: Requires an enormous amount of resolve. This can be agonizing at the beginning. Hearing your bundle of joy scream until there’s no noise is no parent’s idea of fun. If you can survive what is actually a short amount of auditory torture and come out the other side emotionally intact, then you will reap the benefits. This method sometimes requires you to wash, rinse, and repeat as it doesn’t always stick with round one.

 Check out: Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, MD and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, MD

Q&A

My friend said her baby slept through the night after just two weeks. What am I doing wrong?

Your friend is a liar. Find new friends.

 When can I start instituting a bedtime regime?

A routine can start whenever you are ready. However, the right time to get your bundle of joy to sleep 8 solid hours varies depending on the baby. Most online information says 3-4 months old. Be sure to check with your pediatrician to make sure you are both ready.

We’ve tried to let our little one cry it out but just can’t seem to do it. Any suggestions?

Earplugs.

Will using the Cry It Out method turn my child into an animal torturer?  

The jury is still out on this one, but we haven’t found any known connections between sleep training methods and aptitude to torture animals. All adolescent animal torturers are equal part co-sleepers and solo sleepers. If this is a principal concern, I suggest making a choice between the kid or the pet. It’s worth noting that it is harder to leave a toddler in a box outside Kroger than a pet—mostly because toddlers refuse to stay in the box.

 In closing, do some reading. The likelihood of your little one hitting a crime spree at 14 because you did or did not share a bed with him is about as likely as someone naming her child North West Apple Blue Ivy Buttercream. Besides, you will do plenty of other things that will eventually contribute to his delinquency. The biggest thing to remember is to be consistent in your choices.

Written by: Alice

Our baby carriers, ourselves

If you wasted your college degree on an English major like most people I know, you will quickly pick up on the overarching theme of my baby-gear recommendations: Sleep. How, where, when, how long, why not, and dear God please give me some serious but not life-threatening illness like Ebola so that I am forced to spend a few days alone in the hospital where I can rest. Most of the gear you will need in the early weeks of your child’s life is meant to either help you score extra sleep, or prevent you from getting pooped on. Babies don’t actually need much to survive the first month—food, shelter, hugs—but you require these gadgets so that the postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation don’t drive you so bat-shit crazy that you try to gouge your eyeballs out with a nasal bulb.

A baby carrier won’t actually help you sleep, at least not directly, but if you’re lucky the right one will cause your baby to fall asleep, thereby allowing you some free time to make a sandwich or fold laundry or let the dog inside because it’s suddenly occurred to you that he’s been in the back yard for three days and has started hunting squirrels and growing his own vegetables. For your baby, the carrier is the next best thing to returning to the womb—she hears your heartbeat, feels your warmth, and is gently bounced to sleep by the rhythm of your footsteps as you search the house for the corkscrew.

There are roughly 40 billion types of baby carriers on the market, and each one comes embedded with a parenting philosophy and a personal statement about your value as a citizen of the world. The Moby Wrap, for example, says, “I know how to find tutorials on YouTube and I have decent-sized hips.” The Ergobaby conveys the message, “A lot of my friends went to law school, but some sold out early and got an MBA.” I own both of these carriers, but the one my son lived in pretty much non-stop from weeks 4-12 was the Baby Bjorn, which is more of a, “My colicky demon-beast is finally asleep after three hours of crying so take your hysteria about hip dysplasia and shove it up your baby-wearing ass.”

Yes, like everything from produce to pets, baby carriers are a hot-button issue among people without any real survival-related life problems. But all that really matters when it comes to choosing a carrier is, 1) will your baby sleep in it; and, 2) can you get it on and get your baby into it by yourself, preferably with one hand so you don’t have to put your mug of Irish coffee down to adjust the straps. The Bjorn checked both of these boxes for me in the early days, whereas the Ergo became much more useful a few months down the road, and the Moby makes a pretty nice dog bed.

Try a few carriers out and find the one that works for you, regardless of what it says about your political leanings or property taxes. Borrow a friend’s baby, or better yet, use a feral cat to recreate the appropriate weight and degree of cooperation you can expect from your soon-to-be bundle of joy and fulfillment. If you can get the cat to fall asleep before it pisses all over you, you’ve found your carrier, and make sure to add bonus points if you managed not to spill your drink.

Written by: Kathleen

We'll say it so you don't have to

So why did we decide to write a blog? Mostly because after we became mothers we discovered how much we didn’t know about parenting, and that there are a whole lot of things other people don’t tell you. When you are visiting friends with newborns they give you the rose-colored-glasses version of their birth story, completely omitting the fact that they are sitting on a maxi pad the size of an inner tube. We created this blog so we could share what we’ve learned and what we're still learning with brutal honesty and a dose of sarcasm.

While we are both mothers, we are each only one child and a few years into the journey. We do not claim to be experts by any stretch, but we try to take a practical approach to parenting, and when the going gets really tough, we find ways to laugh at ourselves. We hope some of our posts are informative and others are just amusing. Be sure to leave comments on the posts and let us know what topics you would like us to cover—as long as your comments are constructive and properly punctuated. Remember, we’re all in this together, and most of us are just making it up as we go along