The first/worst trimester of pregnancy can wreak serious havoc on your daily routine. Your baby still has a tail and is already calling the shots! For those of you who say you are done having babies, still give this a read just so you can kill that baby fever your ovaries get every time you see an adorable newborn. Here are the Top 5 things I hate about the first trimester:
#1 The Bloating and Nausea
B.S.!!!!! Why does something the size of a blueberry need to occupy a penthouse in your uterus? You are already trying to hide your pregnancy by not vomiting in your co-worker’s coffee and now you have to hide a bump that isn’t even a baby. The bloat of the first trimester is uncomfortable and unflattering. You have a belly you didn’t even get the chance to earn. Luckily, oversized clothing is all the rage and you can get away with flowy tops until having to upgrade to the more flattering empire waste design. As if a beer belly isn’t enough, the nausea begins. There’s nothing worse than nausea. You are always ALMOST puking. This causes some to swear off food altogether, but for me the only thing that seems to help is to constantly eat carbohydrates. All I want are chips, crackers, burgers, fries, cereal, fries, fruit and fries. I’m just trying my best not to gain my entire pregnancy weight during the first trimester. I know I’m a bit of whiner. Some of my closest friends have been plagued with the type of morning sickness that will make you want to demand a refund from the breeder. They spent the whole of their first trimester in a bathroom or on a couch in a perpetual state of despair and agony. To the mothers who have suffered so horribly to grow fingernails and diminish tails for their little tikes, I raise my soda water to you! I am a weaker woman.
#2 Fake Drinking
I call this a symptom because there’s really no other reason to fake drink unless you have an alien in your belly that can’t tell you it doesn’t like vodka. This tops the list as one of the worst because while not physically painful, it can cause emotional turmoil. For some of you this may be the first time you’ve spent several hours with your friends while you were the only one sober. Not fun. Best advice is to avoid group-drinking situations until 2 months post-partum. That way you won’t dump all your friends.
If you are forced to socialize and pretend to have fun, here are some tips:
- Implore your partner or BFF to drink for you! This involves a quick swap out of drinks when he gets low on his.
- Get to the bar early and get the bartender or waiter on your side. Explain your “situation” tell him that a great tip is in his future if he’ll serve you fake drinks all night.
- Soda water and lime. My grandmother taught me this at a very young age, not because I was a teen mom but because she didn’t want me to be embarrassed for being underage at parties. Amazing woman.
- Other people ordering your drinks? Simply mimic drinking without taking sips and take your drink with you to the restroom to dump it out every so often.
#3 The Looming Divorce
Whether your partner is a man, woman, or goat you are going to consider water boarding him or her at some point in your first trimester. He might not be solely responsible for your freshman 15 weight gain or your backne, but he definitely seems to find a way to make life way more irritating. Why can’t they just suck it up and wait on you hand and foot while you commence with the miracle of life stuff?
TIP: Don’t kick him out yet—you’ll need someone to make midnight ice cream runs and the goat can be sent for Indian.
#4 The Fatigue
I get that your body is literally building another body inside of it, but does it have to completely suck the life force out of its creator? Why do you suddenly feel like you went on a 5-day bender with The Rolling Stones circa 1972, minus the epic tales and tattoos? The Walking Dead was originally a biopic about working pregnant women. CAN’T GO OVER IT, CAN’T GO UNDER IT, CAN’T GO AROUND IT, GOTTA GO THROUGH IT.
TIP: Try to squeeze in catnaps in the car at lunch. If you have another child, you can catch a few zzzz’s during an intensive game of hide and seek. Hide well :)
#5 The Acne
Why in the world does the most grown up decision of your life come with a prepubescent beacon? The pregnancy “glow" is actually a sheen of oil created by your acne covered forehead and chin. Break out the Seabreeze girls!
The best thing I can say about the first trimester is at least I don’t have stretch marks yet.
Written by: Alice