My Name is Baby, and I'm a Paci Addict

To some in today’s 30-mpg-on-the-highway-cross-over driving, old-world-vineyard preferring, grad-school-loan-repaying parenting community, suggesting you use a pacifier is the equivalent of telling you to formula-feed your baby while she sleeps on her stomach in a forward-facing car seat. I mentioned the word “binky” in our toddler music class last week, and every mom in the room turned to stare in panicked silence before openly contemplating whether someone should call Child Protective Services.

There are many concerns listed in the Googlesphere regarding the use of pacifiers, each ranking higher than the last on the “shrill harpy” scale of mommy-crazy. According to the most alarmist claims, your paci-sucking baby may never learn to talk, or he’ll have constant ear infections, or he’ll grow up to be a cross-dressing sociopath who tells his victims to put the lotion on the skin. For the sake of balanced reporting, I consulted the Mayo Clinic, my new online source of hypochondria ever since WebMD assured me that my frequent foot-muscle-spasms were definitely cancer. The Mayo Clinic is all, “some people use a pacifier and develop normally,” the way you might say that some people smoke a pack a day and live to be 102.  Then they go on to list the pros of pacifier use, which include soothing your baby when he cries, helping him learn to fall asleep, and reducing his risk of SIDS. The cons include nipple confusion, dependency, and crooked teeth—but only if your kid is still gnawing on his binky at age nine, and then let’s be honest, you’re already in trouble with the meth you’ve been cooking in the basement, you negligent ass-clown. Assuming you have a 12-step program for paci-addicts lined up before his second birthday, grab yourself a handful of rubber nipples from the hospital stash and go forth fostering an oral fixation. I promise it’s worth it.

As anyone who has read the first five pages and then skipped to the middle of The Happiest Baby on the Block will tell you, sucking is one of the “5 Ss” that, when applied in perfect order and coordination, will make your newborn baby stop crying for at least 90 seconds, thereby giving you time to call your husband and demand he cancel the rest of his business trip and fly home from New York immediately, no matter that it’s 11PM and he’s actually in San Francisco. Your baby can also be calmed by sucking on your boob or a bottle, but the former leads to cracked nipples and co-sleeping until college, and the latter to cashing in your 401(k) to pay for extra formula and future summers at fat camp. You may have to work at building the paci habit for a few weeks, but the dividends pay off in the form of faster self-soothing, earlier sleeping through the night, and more frequent passive-aggressive comments from your mother-in-law that confirm your suspicion that she thinks you’re a mediocre parent at best.

Of course, I can’t guarantee you that using a pacifier won’t turn your precious angel into a serial killer—my binky-loving son is just 19 months old, and so far his only questionable behavior toward animals is his stubborn insistence that cows say “boo.” However, I will say with anecdotal certainty that a healthy pacifier habit can stymy a dropped-apple-at-Whole-Foods tantrum, straighten a no-more-car-seat full-body arch, and reverse your baby’s pre-dawn wake-ups that, without fail, follow the nights you decide to open that third bottle of wine. I’m still new at this parenting thing, but in my opinion, extra sleep and avoiding a public scene in the vegan dairy aisle are totally worth the potential future cost of braces and home drug testing kits. And let’s be honest, if you’re still reading my recommendations after the first four posts, you’ll probably be paying for one of those things in a few years anyway.

Written by: Kathleen

Baby, I've got you covered

This particular “essential” gear recommendation may be a tad specific to my own experience. The Rock ‘n Play and a baby carrier have become universal requirements for proper bourgeois parenting—run a Facebook poll of your parent friends and the endorsements will come rolling in. Minimalist as you may plan to be while you begin your baby registry journey in the first trimester, you will still find yourself in seven months, awake at 2am on your third night home from the hospital, cluster-feeding your infant in one arm while signing up for Amazon Prime on your phone with the other so you can order the RNP to be delivered in the next five hours.

But a Carseat Canopy™, you ask? After all, you registered for several of those Aden & Anais muslin swaddlers, and your friends all assure you they are quite versatile, even if they do cost as much as your father’s entire four years of college. Why do you need yet another blanket, just because it has a heavy interior lining and Velcro straps?

One of the many things no one tells you about newborns is that they are easily overstimulated. I don’t mean that they get a little antsy at Chuck E. Cheese, I mean that turning on an overhead light can send their raw-pancake-batter nervous system into a manic frenzy. Some newborns are more susceptible than others—with zero data and only a vague recollection of reading this on BabyCenter, I think babies born on the early side of 40 weeks tend to have stimuli receptors that are more undercooked than their late-term counterparts. Maybe that’s just my excuse for why my son, born two weeks early, was a screaming ball of exposed nerve for most of his fourth trimester. He shrank from sunlight like a wrinkly-skinned mole, and if we had the audacity to have a ceiling fan going when the phone rang, he reacted like he was having dental surgery without anesthesia. My pre-baby visions of taking him on long walks in the stroller, admiring the fall foliage and opining on the meaning of life, were dashed by the reality of having an infant whose senses were frequently overloaded by the stripes on his crib sheet.

 Tiny infant C, snuggled deep in the Misty Mountains and dreaming of the Precious

The Carseat Canopy is a thick blanket that attaches to the handle of an infant carrier and creates a sensory deprivation chamber of darkness and calm. It’s the newborn equivalent of scented candles, a warm bubble bath, and Enya on surround sound. Once I discovered the utility of the Carseat Canopy, I was finally able to take little Gollum out of the house and into the world. Enveloped in the womb-like solace of his car seat, he would stop screaming and fall asleep a few minutes into a car ride, as long as I played David Sedaris podcasts on the stereo and never stopped at red lights. I could even take him for walks in the stroller, secure in knowing that no UV rays would pierce his paper-thin eyelids and trigger his Saw-like baby nightmares.

Thanks to the Carseat Canopy, by 12 weeks I had my baby on a schedule the Baby Whisperer would envy. A one-hour nap in the morning, driving around a city route that elegantly avoided all speed bumps, stop signs, and traffic lights; an afternoon nap in my arms as I made impressive progress on Candy Crush; and an early evening nap while I walked a three-mile loop around my neighborhood, a roadie in my hand and triumph in my heart.

Written by: Kathleen

Rock 'n Play Me All Night Long

First off, you should know that every single piece of baby gear you buy will come with multiple warnings in a variety of languages that inform you that any alteration or misuse of this product will undoubtedly kill your baby. At first these warnings are terrifying, but worry not—eventually you will grow numb to neon yellow tags that threaten the spontaneous combustion of your offspring, and you will no longer tremble at the sight of the all-caps labels on your stroller barking at you like an irritable French waiter, “Mise en Garde! Mise en Garde you stupid American filth!” Indeed, soon enough you will be recklessly dressing your toddler in baggy pajamas and putting your lukewarm coffee in the cup-holder of your BOB accessory bar, but in the early weeks you will be bullied into compliance. Thus when I tell you right now that letting your newborn spend the night in the Fisher Price Rock ‘n Play will save you from openly empathizing with terror suspects in Guantanamo, you will not listen. Babies must sleep on their backs on a hard, flat surface, you will think with the smugness of someone who has never put kitty litter in the coffee maker. That’s what both the Mayo Clinic and all of the other first-time moms on the What to Expect message board say, and by God that is how your baby will sleep, no exceptions.

Except that newborn babies won’t sleep flat on their backs on a hard surface because newborn babies are not preternaturally suited for a post-apocalyptic nomadic civilization or a third-world prison. Oh sure, maybe in the hospital your little bug slept in that plastic fish tank like a champ, but only because he was knocked out from the Fentanyl drip you got when you still thought you could handle a natural childbirth. Once home, your baby will only sleep in one of two places: your arms, or the Rock ‘n Play (aka the “RNP”, as those twats on the message board will refer to it after they enjoy three straight nights of cluster feeding).

The RNP is firm enough to mimic a prison cot, and it gives you no choice but to put your baby on his back, however, unlike on that slab of concrete they call a crib mattress, your baby will actually sleep in it. The curved basket imitates your own warm embrace, and it rests your baby at a slight elevation, which helps with colic and reflux and all of the other made-up reasons newborns scream non-stop for 4-8 hours a day. Plus his spastic muscle control will cause the RNP to rock back and forth, lulling him into that mythical “deep” sleep that lasts until the moment you put the shampoo in your hair.

Go ahead and register for the RNP, telling yourself you will only use it to lay your baby in while you read to him from the New York Times or sing him Italian operas. It will be there waiting for you after you drag the Arm’s Reach co-sleeper out to your front lawn and light it on fire, and it won’t even say “I told you so.” It will just cuddle your baby close, swaying slightly as if jostled by a warm summer breeze, while you weep quietly into your cold cup of litter-coffee and wonder if Guantanamo might not be so bad this time of year.

Written by: Kathleen

Our first morning at home, marveling at the power of the RNP and wondering why my coffee tastes like cat pee.

Because you can't give them ambien . . .

When it comes to sleep training, there are hundreds of methods and millions of opinions. What is the “right” way to get your child to sleep? First of all, I recommend you approach this from a different angle. What is the right way to get you to sleep? Ultimately, your little one will follow the method that suits you best, and she will feel happy and supported if you are well rested. Think of it as sleep training for you. Below are a few of the most common methods and MY opinions on them. I want to emphasize that these are MY opinions through MY own experience and they come from a parent who had to work full-time. I found that it wasn’t just one of these methods that worked for us, but a combination of them. In other words, skip the album and go for the mixed tape.  

Some things to note before getting started:

#1 - Even the best sleepers will have sleepless nights and even the worst sleepers can learn how to sleep.

#2 - Whatever your situation, make a plan. When your little one inevitably rebels against the method of your choice, make sure you know what your next move is going to be, because at 3am you are about as rational in your thinking as a cat with tape on its feet.

#3 - EVERYONE needs sleep. You are going to be more efficient as a parent and member of the human race if you can keep your eyes open long enough to catch your nocturnal offspring before she scales the chimney. 

THE FAMILY BED (CO-SLEEPING) Championed by hippies, helicopter moms, the emotionally needy, and Alicia Silverstone.

Recommended for: Those with no need for a schedule

What is it? Practice in which babies and young children sleep close to one or both parents, as opposed to in a separate room.

Upsides: You don’t ever have to get up!!! You, Brian Wilson, and your baby can lounge in bed all day somewhere between slumber and sleep. You won’t have to rejoin the world until your child requires solid foods.

Downsides: If co-sleeping continues well into the first year, you run the risk of your child being dependent on you to fall asleep, thus not allowing you to return to a social or romantic life and forcing you to change your sleep patterns to match theirs. Forget wine nights with friends and settle for quickies in the pantry.

Check Out: Beyond the Sling: A Real Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way by Mayim Bialik, PhD

NO CRY METHOD Used by Marilyn Manson and the creator of Gangnam style.

Recommended for: Vampires and masochists

What is it? Advocates for parents to lull and sooth their baby to sleep in order to avoid the fear and negative sleep associations that, this theory claims, can develop when a child is put to sleep alone.

Upsides: You get to judge the Cry It Out parents for being cruel and the Co-sleepers for being creepy. Your little one experiences a peaceful transition into sleep and his future is full of rainbows and unicorns, AND you get to hop in and out of bed throughout the evening to quickly replace the pacifier, breastfeed, or lull!

Downsides: This can be an extremely laborious process that can lead to varying results. This method is unrealistic for working parents or anyone that wants to parent with the umbilical cord detached. Imagine working the night shift for several months and only being able to sleep while waiting in the drive-thru line.

Check Out: The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley

CRY IT OUT (CIO) Used by Hillary Clinton on Bill after the 2000 election. 

 Recommended for: Those who strive to have a work-baby-life balance and some semblance of a schedule

What is it? Approach that lets a baby cry for a specified period of time, offering comfort at regular intervals, in an effort to teach her how to self-sooth and fall asleep on her own.

Upsides: Better quality sleep for the whole family and your baby learns how to put him/herself to sleep! While the CIO method may appear to be a type of cruel and unusual punishment, its results are indisputable AND it works quickly. This means you can have a relative, a babysitter, or even your pet put your little one to bed while you’re out reconnecting with the friends that remind you of your award-winning personality and distract your from your breast leakage.

Downsides: Requires an enormous amount of resolve. This can be agonizing at the beginning. Hearing your bundle of joy scream until there’s no noise is no parent’s idea of fun. If you can survive what is actually a short amount of auditory torture and come out the other side emotionally intact, then you will reap the benefits. This method sometimes requires you to wash, rinse, and repeat as it doesn’t always stick with round one.

 Check out: Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, MD and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, MD

Q&A

My friend said her baby slept through the night after just two weeks. What am I doing wrong?

Your friend is a liar. Find new friends.

 When can I start instituting a bedtime regime?

A routine can start whenever you are ready. However, the right time to get your bundle of joy to sleep 8 solid hours varies depending on the baby. Most online information says 3-4 months old. Be sure to check with your pediatrician to make sure you are both ready.

We’ve tried to let our little one cry it out but just can’t seem to do it. Any suggestions?

Earplugs.

Will using the Cry It Out method turn my child into an animal torturer?  

The jury is still out on this one, but we haven’t found any known connections between sleep training methods and aptitude to torture animals. All adolescent animal torturers are equal part co-sleepers and solo sleepers. If this is a principal concern, I suggest making a choice between the kid or the pet. It’s worth noting that it is harder to leave a toddler in a box outside Kroger than a pet—mostly because toddlers refuse to stay in the box.

 In closing, do some reading. The likelihood of your little one hitting a crime spree at 14 because you did or did not share a bed with him is about as likely as someone naming her child North West Apple Blue Ivy Buttercream. Besides, you will do plenty of other things that will eventually contribute to his delinquency. The biggest thing to remember is to be consistent in your choices.

Written by: Alice